Leave out all the rest
by Tsarina Torment
Summary: Lavi's worried about moving on. (re-written 26/11/13)


**Disclaimer: I don't own **_ -Man_**. The song is **_Leave out all the rest_ **by Linkin Park. If you want to read the lyrics, they are easily accessible via Google.**

There was no-one around. The Black Order was in the distant horizon behind me as I walked away. No-one knew who I was – I no longer knew who I was – and I could see people turn away from my existence. I no longer existed. Well, in a way that was true. But there was one person. One person running around, calling for me. No. Calling for who I had been. No-one would help you look, though. You were desperate, screaming for me. But no-one else cared. As far as they were concerned – as far as _I_ was concerned, I no longer existed.

* * *

The dream ended and I sat up, shaking. I didn't want to leave, but I knew I would have to one day. I couldn't live here forever. One day my task would be done and I'd have to move on, find somewhere else to stay for a while, find someone else to get attached to, just to tear myself away. A repetitive cycle indeed. But one I had gone through before. This time it was different though. This time you were here. You and the others. I didn't want to let you in, but you persisted and I failed. And one day I'll have to pay the price.

* * *

You know it'll happen, I think. You know that I can never settle. But I did, here. I settled and those forbidden attachments grew. I wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to just wear a mask, to pretend and fake my way through everything. But you and the others wouldn't let me. Forgive me for this. Forgive me for causing you inevitable pain when our parting comes. And please, remember me? Remember this version of me, anyway. The one you knew. Let him keep living, let him keep you company, because one day I won't be able to.

* * *

This was a mistake. We all know it. I've been punished; Dreams saw to that. I laugh and muck around and try to keep a smile on your faces. But I'm not smiling. Not on the inside. I've not yet learnt how to kill my emotions. Not yet learnt to be the perfect person. But then again, who is perfect? You, with your bright smile and determination to get everyone through the day? No, you're broken inside, still. I know it, and you know it.

* * *

There should be nothing to break, for me. No emotions. No friendships. No family. But I've still got them all and one day they will kill me. And again and again. Maybe one day I'll learn my lesson. But not yet. 49 times I've failed, so far. 49 wars and they all broke me. Maybe when there's nothing left to break then I'll survive. I'll be perfect. But please, help me retain some humanity. Even if it's only in what you remember of me. So please, remember the 'good' things about me, if there are any to remember. If you don't hate me for shattering your world when I leave.

* * *

You're so strong. Broken inside, but you hide it. If I wasn't 'me' then I would never have known. Never have known the horrors in your past. You know I'm hurting, too. Deep inside, where no-one else can see. But you know. Your love for us all means that you can see whenever anyone is hurting because you want so hard to heal us. But my wounds cannot be healed. Only when I'm broken will they be healed, but then I won't be the me you knew.

* * *

But you know this, don't you? You know that one day I will change. That one day I won't be 'me'. Not even under all the masks. There will be nothing under the masks, one day. Just infinite masks. But you'll try and save me, even so, won't you? You'll try, because you can't bear to see people with nothing but masks. The only way to stop that is to keep the 'real' me in your memory. The 'real' me will then never die, because you'll never let him. But it's up to you. You may well hate me for leaving, and if you do then I'll never be seen again. If you only remember our parting, the memory will be tainted; just another mask. So please, grant me this selfish wish. Don't let me die.

* * *

You're strong. If you want to, you'll keep 'me' forever. But what if I do you wrong? What if we part on bad terms? If you hate me so much you cannot bear to remember the good times? You'll forget me then, the 'me' behind the masks. But you won't. Because you're too kind, too forgiving. And that is true strength. I'll never be that strong. Never be able to face the worst and still love my world. Because you're better than I will ever be.

* * *

"_Hey, Lenalee."_

"_What is it Lavi?"_

"_Will you miss me when 'I' die? When 'Lavi' becomes no more than a memory?"_

"_Of course I will."_

**Just a random thing I came up with while listening to **_'Leave out all the rest'_** by **_**Linkin Park**_**. The song always reminds me of Lavi, hence this songfic.**

**Tsari**


End file.
